On a Good Day
by MKRG
Summary: What was it like to be Vala Mal Doran before her encounters with the people of Earth? A short take on that experience, inspired by a song.


What was it like to be Vala Mal Doran before her encounters with the people of Earth?

* * *

_Little bit lost and..._

_A little bit lonely_

_Little bit cold here_

_A little bit feared_

Vala had long ago abandoned the idea that she might make up for the crimes that her body had committed. Qetesh's sins had become her own, and there would be no way for others to separate her from the monster. She witnessed everything with a startling clarity, nearly going insane for it.

Her stepmother had been her first victim. It was Qetesh's way of appeasing her new host and gaining just that little bit of control. While a small part of Vala relished the feel of her hands clasped around the 'witch of a woman's' neck, Qetesh burrowed her way further into Vala's body. That short distraction was all the symbiote needed to make its final home permanent. The death and the misery continued on exponentially from there.

She saw through Qetesh's vision as their body once looked down on the former host, dead at their feet. She had been abandoned on the floor of her ceremonial chamber. The woman's eyes were blank. Mouth open just slightly. And Vala envied her because she was free.

_But I hold on_

_And I_

_Feel strong_

_And I_

_Know that I can_

She didn't want to die, though there were times she would have welcomed death. Especially after Qetesh had used her body for sex – disgusting and unpleasant sex. The monster within enjoyed feeling such pain just as much as inflicting it. There was no such thing as lovemaking to a Goa'uld. Sex was a tool. Each raucous bout of intercourse had a purpose, whether it was to gain favor or carry out punishment.

All of the men Qetesh raped were maimed or killed.

Vala swore that she would get out as soon as the first young boy died at her hands. She had to, if only to stop the killing.

_I'm a little bit hemmed in_

_A little bit isolated_

_A little bit hopeful_

_A little bit calm_

There was never a time that both consciousnesses communicated within the growing wasteland of Vala's mind. Qetesh didn't acknowledge her presence – her attention was always directed outward. Against Vala's will, Qetesh held her firmly in place to watch. She sensed that the symbiote got off on forcing her to take in every detail of her destruction. To know what it feels like to slowly lose one's ability to make decisions. And to slowly make someone die.

Otherwise, Vala was completely and utterly ignored. The silence was deafening.

She was not allowed to shrink back into a safe little corner in her mind. She was not allowed to let her thoughts wander elsewhere. Vala could barely think for herself, but she struggled to try. If she shriveled up and died, there would be nothing left when Qetesh was gone. She had to stay awake and fight the madness that threatened to destroy her. If Vala could choose one word to describe her sorry state of being, it would be 'cold.'

_But I hold on_

_And I_

_Feel strong_

_And I_

_Know that I can_

The Tok'ra freed her, but Vala felt no gratitude toward them. She had been a pawn in their games. Their agents followed Qetesh to her secret facilities and bases. Catalogued her possessions. Tipped off others about her plans. Plotted to overthrow Ba'al using Qetesh as their primary weapon. They could have freed Vala at any time they wanted. What made the Tok'ra any better than the Goa'uld?

It all went to Hell when Ba'al chose _not_ to make Qetesh his queen and chose to destroy her instead. The Tok'ra's skills of manipulation failed them. When enough agents had been killed in the ensuing battles, the council decided to pull Vala out. To save her, so to speak. They kidnapped Qetesh and extracted her. It was a painful experience that Vala found no satisfaction from.

The symbiote struggled with its captors until they determined that nothing more could be extracted from its brain. Qetesh was destroyed with the ease of a zat weapon. They didn't even have the decency to invite Vala to watch. And this would have been one of those few times Vala would have liked to watch.

As soon as her former master was dead, the Tok'ra turned their attention on her. They demanded information. Details. Schematics. Plans. She saw no sense in offering up her copy of Qetesh's mind. She didn't trust the Tok'ra – nothing good could come of those memories. Nothing good had ever come. Vala saw the walls closing in on her again and felt the urge to run. Only this time, she could actually find a way out on her own.

_Getting used to it_

_Lit the fuse to it_

_Like to know who I am_

She never dared to go home to her village. Too much had gone on there and no one would understand. Vala knew exactly what they would have done if she tried to go back. Stones were in plentiful supply there, and children were among the experts in throwing them. She had nightmares about it that were bad enough to deter her. It would be no use to call on her father. He would be no help at all, despite being slightly more worldly than their neighbors and understanding what a symbiote was.

Vala knew of no other place to go and her only recent memories belonged to Qetesh, so she hid in plain sight. She snuck into a temple, donned a spare outfit left behind by Qetesh, and posed as the people's almighty goddess. She hated herself for striking such fear into the people's eyes, but it had to be done. She drew the line at cruel punishment and death, then found that this actually made the people more inclined to serve her well. She stayed for many months.

In that brief period of putting herself back together, Vala wondered exactly what pieces of her were left to glue together. She had been taken at the prime of her life, just when she was ready to come into her own as a young woman. Qetesh shattered all her dreams. Vala was left with nothing. She couldn't remember what her goals had been before all of this torture ruined her life.

All she could do was order that all snakes be rounded up and burned in a gigantic bonfire. As the flames of their charring flesh danced in her eyes – Vala's _real_ eyes – she made the decision to leave.

_Been talking to myself forever, yeah_

_And how I wish I knew me better, yeah_

She only had herself to trust, to talk to even. It was enough. Vala had been taught early on while in the world of Qetesh that everyone was a backstabber. She felt it was only right that she be the same. She knew nothing else either way. So she stole, cheated, and stole some more. The only way to have something of her own was to take it. Her hands became quick, her movements sly. She had taken advantage of what Qetesh inadvertently taught her by forcing her to watch. Vala felt justified.

The way her life was turning out was far from ideal, but Vala could think of no other way to live. She learned to love the excitement of running from place to place, swindling unsuspecting people, overcoming more challenging thefts than the last. She delighted in the feeling of being free. Taking control of her own legs and escaping was all Vala had ever wanted to do while under Qetesh's control. The act of running away became the symbol of her greatest escape. The more she ran, the further away she got from her former master.

When Daniel finally met her, that was who she was. She had no problems with it. It never occurred to Vala in all that time that maybe there was something better than running. Once the idea of going home had been banished as unrealistic, the word 'home' ceased to be a word in her vocabulary.

_Still sitting on a shelf and never_

_Never seen the sun shine brighter_

_And it feels like me_

_On a good day_

Years later, Vala would look back on who she was and reminisce. She bore no regrets for actions she herself had chosen to make. If anyone asked, she'd simply explain that there was more thrill in being _in control_ than in deciding between right and wrong. She had the presence of mind at least to keep from hurting people physically. Her new life post-Qetesh was perfectly defensible when one considered the horrors she had been forced to go through.

Daniel had said something to her once that convinced her it was time to change. "You've been running so long that it's second nature to you. But now it's time to come home." Home. Now there was a word she had not used in a long, long time. Not until he had reintroduced her to the concept and used it as if she, too, could own such a thing, did Vala feel convinced. If one man so unbearably trustable could tell her to come home, then maybe it was high time she did.

Home could be anywhere she wanted it to be. She chose to stay on Earth and open herself up to trust and be trusted. It was all so new, yet it felt right somehow. It was forever before Vala could finally feel like herself, whoever that was. But when it happened, what a good day it was.

_And it feels like me_

_On a good day_

* * *

"On a Good Day"

By Oceanlab

A/N: This song is so damn good, I can't stand it. It also screams Vala Mal Doran, so, I wrote this. If you like Oceanlab, then you know what I'm talking about. Go find the song on youtube and maybe you'll like it.


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